I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
