You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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