its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
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