So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Randomize
