you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
worst night to have a conscience
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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