Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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