I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
