If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Randomize