Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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