at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
