Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
