dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
