My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Randomize
