The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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