So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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