i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
