**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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