I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
