He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
