Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
