I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
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