I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Ladies don't puke and tell
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
