When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
