1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
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