i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
