I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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