Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
