My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Randomize
