If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
