69 |D_O
wtf does that mean??
it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Randomize
