So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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