Banned from zoo.
Again?
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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