What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
