Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
