Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
