I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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