apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
That accounts for only three of the penises
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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