I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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