I puked a lego.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
