I'm laying in your front yard are you home
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
