I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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