Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Randomize
