We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
