i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
