I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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