I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
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