I think i peed on brittanys purse
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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