Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
