i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
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