omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
