my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
