we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
