you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Randomize
