im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
He passed out mid-signature
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
